Is Valentine's Day, even Valentine's Day, without heart shaped pizza ?!
" I can tell that love is fake. I don't trust a word you say. I got fake people showing fake love to me, straight up to my face "
Although those words quoted from Drake can be a harsh reality of life, and for those of us that may be single at this time of year some times the topic can really be a hard pill to swallow.
But sometimes, fact is, people are showing signs of being fake straight up to our face and we choose not to acknowledge them, or maybe we have a bit of our rose coloured glasses on.
Now whether you are aware of those signs are not, today I thought I would take the time to chat and share with you some of the questions I ask myself when it comes to dating, and relationships. And how I personally look at, whether someone is truly "for you".
I truly believe that when you use some of these questions and tools to be discerning with whomever it is that you are interested in, or dating, it can really help you determine whether this relationship is something that has the potential to be long term, or worth the heartache.
1. Pursuit - Now call me old school. But I am a firm believer if a man is interested in you... he will pursue you. I have seen time and time again, whether it be in my own personal life, or observing my friends. That if a guy is interested in you... he will approach you, facebook you, chase you down in a mall, show up places your frequent... you name it.
And further more, I think if a guy is interested ENOUGH, he will make that effort on a continual basis.
I think we like to over complicate and over think things when it comes to guys asking girls out (not that I think it ALWAYS has to be that way - but let's be honest that typically that is the way it goes in the whole whom asks whom out thing).
However, I have heard girlfriends say "well maybe he doesn't know that I am interested ", " maybe he is intimidated by me ", "maybe he is waiting for me to say something, so he know's there is a green light to go ahead".
And that may be the case, but let me tell ya, I have watched countless guys put their neck on the line, even when the odds are stacked against them, ask out women that they may have not had a chance with. Fact is, in their eyes, they felt that, that risk was worth it, because that girl was worth it - so they weren't going to let the potential rejection get in the way of that "What If".
Simply put, if they're interested enough, they will pursue, and continually pursue you.
2. Do they ( either guys, or girls ) know you are alive like that ? Or are they just being polite / a friend to you ?
I have seen this on both sides of the spectrum, where either a guy or a girl, is interested in someone.... And they invest so much thought and energy into their crush, but that person truly isn't looking at you in that light.
I don't know how else to say this any other way but - Just because someone talks to you, or just because someone is nice and or polite to you, does not mean that they are interested in you.
This is something that I have had to work through in the past, and know I probably will have to work through again at some point in the future, because not everyone that you are interested in, will be equally as interested back, And I think sometimes our interest in people clouds our judgement as to if that feeling is reciprocal, or if it even has the potential to do so.
... I mean, just because someone talks to you, doesn't mean that they like you like that.
... Just because they are nice to you, doesn't mean they like you like that.
It is totally easy to develop feelings for someone ( I truly think that's the easiest part sometimes). But I do believe throughout this process you need to 1. Guard your heart, and 2. Be discerning on whether that person you have your eye on looks at you that way, or if they just see you as a friend.
3. Don't Do Wifey Ish For a F*K Boy
Now, sorry for my language... I have actually sat here long and hard to find a cleaner way of saying that... But, I just couldn't.
I also want to say, that I don't think that saying should be so gender specific. Let me explain.
I have seen both men, and women go so far, above and beyond the parameters of a dating relationship, and give away those spousal benefits, to someone that they are just dating / courting - before they have even had the time to discern where the relationship is going, whether they are compatible, if the other person is in it to win it.
I guess another way we can look at this point is... " why would you buy the cow, if you could get the milk for free ". I think we typically coin that phrase to be purely a sexual thing, but it's often not.
Personally, this is an area I easilllyyyyyyy fall into, because - it's probably the biggest way that I show my love and my interest in someone. I love cooking, cleaning, and taking care of someone, in fact its way easier for me to do things like that for someone, to show my interest, than it is for me to tell them how i feel about them, or be affectionate with them.
But, what I have found is, that this often speeds things up in a relationship, to the point where you have not had the time to see if you are both on the same page before one person is receiving the benefits of what you are providing them with, and it often ends up leaving you feeling used.
I have heard this from tons of men, who have told me they have paid for things for women early on in a relationship, and then felt as though they were being used for their money.
And on the flip side, I have heard from women, and I speak for myself, that when I have rushed through the dating process, and practically jumped to playing house with people, by making lunches, doing laundry, running errands etc. I was never giving the other person the opportunity to fully pursue me. And not that you do things only to have them reciprocated, I do think that it is a pretty tell tale sign on whether someone is as invested in a relationship as you are if there is that reciprocation.
4. Slow & steady wins the race... But DTR !
I am totally that person, that can make decisions super easily ( holla to anyone who has been out to eat with me ). Let's just say I am super decisive. Although I know that not everyone is going to be that way... And I do realize that we live in this modern age, where people have so much issue's with committing to anything.
I mean, can talk about how there is an "interested" button on facebook events now, or how it is like pulling teeth setting dates, and times to plans with people.
But I do think there is something to be said when someone is interested in you, or you guys have a little 'thing' going on, and it's been months and months and there is still no definition to your guys' relationship.
I think we have to be honest with ourselves when we are 1. leading someone on, and make a moral and ethical decision to put and end to it and 2. we need to realize that we are being lead on, and have the value and self worth to spend your energy else where.
I head this quote a few years ago, it went like this " There is no such thing as rejection, only a better fit ". And I totally think it is applicable here, when people seem to be dragging there toes on whether to fully step out with you and make your relationship official.
Reminder : Just because you are in an "Official" relationship doesn't mean you need to go full steam ahead. You can still take things at a slow pace, and be in a committed relationship with someone. I truly think if it takes that much time and convincing as to whether to be in a relationship with you... They just ain't that into you !! I know it's a harsh reality, but it's true ! The person you that you are pursuing, or you want to pursue you should be 100% for you, with out an excessive hesitation.
5. Ask Questions -
I am that person that truly has no shame when it comes to asking questions in the beginning of a relationship. I love to pick through someone's brain and see where they are at when it comes to relationships, and see if our view points align. Sometimes you don't need to agree with anything, but i think we are all aware of the fundamental things in our life, and if that is something that can be compromised on or not.
Now, hear me loud and clear, i'm not necessarily saying you need to go full CIA mode and whip out your check list and interview / survey someone on the first date. But what I am saying, is that you really need to ask questions so you can truly learn who the person that you are potentially moving into a relationship with is.
And once you ask those questions, and you get your answers, allow yourself some time to see if what and who they say they are, match up to their actions.
6. Honour & Respect
Honour : regard with great respect.
Respect : a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
In regards to fake love, I think if you look at someones actions towards you, and if you can ask yourself, do they honour me ? do they respect me ?
It makes the situation SO much clearer, and i am able to see if they are shooting fake love my way. It also helps me discern whether I am being a little bit sensitive in a situation, or if I am wearing my rose coloured glasses and making excuses for someone's poor behaviour.
This past fall i found myself asking these questions in a situation that I was in, and I've got to be honest with you, as much as I wanted things to be different, I could not ignore the fact that his actions towards me were not honourable, and they were not respectful, and that made the decision to remove that person from my life really easy. And the truth is, if a person doesn't have honourable qualities, and is disrespectful, well, that doesn't align with the attributes that I am looking for in somebody, so the decision was easy.
Anyways, before this post get's ANY longer... I hope on this Valentine's day, and any day really, that you find this post encouraging, and know that if you are single, you have just as much value and worth as those who are in a relationship.
And if you are in a relationship, I hope and pray that it is a healthy one, and you are doing everything you can to honour yourself, and your partner!
Until next time